Saiyuki Theatre
by Astral Writer
Summary: Funny little retellings of Fairytales, comedies told by and about the Sanzo party with guest participants from Houtou Castle and Heaven. Shounen Ai - light 39 & 85 (All for the love of Fan service)
1. Sanzorella

**Astral Wrighter**: Hello readers and welcome to Saiyuki Theatre radio. This is where you're favorite Saiyuki characters will _willing_ put on plays of your favorite fables and childhood fairytales. Now I hope you will sit back and enjoy our cute little retelling of Cinderella….

**Sanzo**: What the Hell is going on Hakkai?

**Hakkai**: Well, uh, you see we're, um, going to play Cinderella.

**Gojyo**: Shit, why the fuck are we doing that?

**Hakkai**: It's for the Fan service. Now everyone get in your places.

**Goku**: Wait! How do we know who we're playing?!

**Hakkai**: *chuckle* You'll see… Ahem.

_Now once upon a time there lived a lively young blonde names Sanzorella—_

**Sanzo**: Hell no! Why am I the princess?

**Gojyo**: Coz you're the prettiest.

**Sanzo**: *cock the harmer of the gun* I'm the _what_ now?

**Hakkai**: All the parts were chosen at random, Sanzo. Nobody got to choose.

**Sanzo**: Then who the fuck is the kappa supposed to be?

**Gojyo**: I'm the king, and you know what, I can live with that…

**Sanzo**: And you, Hakkai?

**Hakkai**: Why couldn't you tell from just a moment ago? I'm the narrator. Now get back to your places, I have to introduce the rest of the cast.

**Sanzo**: Well this oughta be good.

**Hakkai**: _Sanzorella lived in large castle—_

**Sanzo**: Why am I living in a castle?

**Hakkai**: If you would let me finish…—

_—with his wicked step siblings and his evil stepmother, Lady Gyokumen—_

**Sanzo**: What the Fuck is Kougaiji and the rest of the freak show from Houtou Castle doing here?

**Kougaiji**: Coz if it's just your lot there aren't enough actors.

**Hakkai**: Ahem?

_Now Sanzorella was very, um… charming and that didn't sit well with his evil stepmother. So she put him to work as her personal *heheh* man servant._

**Sanzo**: What?!

**Gyokumen**: Oh, I was born for this part, Ahem:

_Sanzorella! Mop the floor! Iron my clothes! Paint my nails! Refill my coffee! Hand over the Maten scripture!_

**Sanzo**: Hell no Bitch.

**Lirin**: Hahaha! Baldy is doing all the chores.

**Kougaiji**: Heh heh, this is kind of fun.

_Sanzorella, polish my boots_

**Lirin**: Oh, I want a try!

_Baldiella make me lunch! Oh, oh! No, play with me! Play with me!_

**Sanzo**: Move on Hakkai!

**Hakkai**: Oh yeah. Hehe

_Well one day there came an announcement that the King was holding a royal ball in honor of finding a bride for the handsome Prince Charming. The whole kingdom was excited. Especially the evil stepmother who was itching to get her hands on some of that royal power._

**Gyokumen**: _Sanzorella, make my daughter beautiful!_

**Sanzo**: _Which one?_

**Kougaiji**: What was that monk?

**Sanzo**: *Smirk* _Oh, you meant the short one? Oh, I don't think there is anything I can do to fix that…_

**Lirin**: _Fix what?_

**Gyokumen**: _Sanzorella, you do what I say or I'll—!"_

**Sanzo**: _You'll do what exactly?_

**Gyokumen**: _Now I was going to let you go to the ball since you're a man and there for not a threat to my daughter, but if you're going to be an Ass, I'll just leave you behind._

**Sanzo**: _Like I care…_

**Hakkai**: You could act a little more upset, you know?

**Sanzo**: *tch*

**Hakkai**: *Sigh*

_So, since Sanzorella couldn't be compliant, he was left at home to—_

... Sanzo, what are you doing?

**Sanzo**: The bitch and her brats are gone, so I'm having a smoke and reading the paper. You got a problem with that?

**Hakkai**: Well no. I personally don't, but that's really out of character for Cinderella? I don't think Cinderella was a chain smoker. Couldn't you act a little more lonely, or cry, or… I don't know something.

**Sanzo**: You're lucky I haven't shot anyone yet.

**Hakkai**: _And just when Sanzorella thought he was in his darkest hour—_

**Sanzo**: Not happening

**Hakkai**:—_there appeared a bright light in the form of an orb descending from the heaven._

**Sanzo**: Shit No! Not her!

**Kanzeon**: It's been awhile Konzen…

**Sanzo**: Why the Hell is that bitch here?!

**Hakkai**: She asked for the part of fairy godmother.

**Sanzo**: I thought you said that nobody got to choose their part!

**Kanzeon**: I'm an all-powerful goddess, honey. I get whatever I want.

**Sanzo**: Fuck…

**Hakkai**: _The beautiful, powerful, gorgeous, merciful and just fairy godmother appeared and smiled down on poor and helpless Sanzorella…_

Uh, Merciful goddess? Did you mess with my script?

**Kanzeon**: Ahem. _Konzenrella, I heard you want to crash the ball over at the Prince's Castle._

**Sanzo**: _Where'd you hear that bull shit from?_

**Kanzeon**: _Well, being the powerful and amazing person I am, I'm going to help you get what you most desire._

**Sanzo**: _What I most desire is for you to get the fuck out of my castle and let me have my cigarette in peace._

**Kanzeon**: _Now Konzenrella, is that anyway to speak to someone that's trying to help. I could always turn you into a frog and we can do a different story…_

**Sanzo**: Fuck, _What do you want then?_

**Kanzeon**: _First I'll need a dragon._

**Sanzo**: _Isn't it supposed to be a fuckin' pumpkin?_

**Kanzeon**:_ I guess, but dragons a so much nicer don't you think?_

**Hakuryuu**: Kyuu?

**Hakkai**: Yeah Hakuryuu, that's you're cue.

_And just like _magic _a small dragon appeared and transformed into a vehicle worthy of Sanzorella's quest…_

**Sanzo**: Yeah, it would be the Jeep.

**Kanzeon**: _Perfect, now I'll need some mice._

**Sanzo**: _Seems like we're all fresh out of mice. _

**Kanzeon**: _Oh no no no no. That can not be. We can't have Konzenrella driving himself to the ball, can we?_

**Gojyo**: It's not like he has his license anyway.

**Hakkai**: Gojyo, you're supposed to get back to castle getting ready for your part.

**Gojyo**: Oh—Yeah…

**Kanzeon**: _Oh, there's a mouse. _Jiroushin get your ass out here.

**Jiroushin**: Yes m'lady… *walks out in mouse costume*

**Sanzo**: *Snicker* What the hell is that?

**Kanzeon**: _That's a mouse obviously… Now, Bibbidy Bobidy or whatever!_

**Jiroushin**: *sigh, takes off costume* Oh my, I'm a chauffeur. I shall take master Sanzorella to the ball…

**Kanzeon**: You could've put a little bit more emphasis into it.

**Jiroushin**: *Sigh*

**Kanzeon**: _Now is there anything else you need, Konzenrella?_

**Sanzo**: _No_

**Kanzeon**: _Oh come on Konzenrella. There must be something you _need_ so you can attend the ball._

**Sanzo: **_No, I don't think so. You can leave now._

**Kanzeon**: *rolls eyes* _Now all Kozenrella needs in the right robes for the ball._

**Sanzo**: _I'm not changing. _

**Kanzeon**: _No need. I am a goddess after all._

**Sanzo**: *Poof* What the Hell did you do to me you old Hag?

**Kanzeon**: _Just dressed you in something more fit for the occasion. _My, you look just like you use to, Konzen Douji, in those robes. I wish they would have let he make your hair longer._ I even followed the script and made your sandals out of glass._

**Sanzo:** _This looks like fuckin' women's clothes._

**Kanzeon: **Hahaha, _Have fun at the ball, Konzenrella!_

**Sanzo: **That damn old Hag…

**Jiroushin**: _If you could please get in, master Sanzorella…_

**Hakkai**: _At the royal Castle, the party was already well underway. And they were preparing to announce the Prince's arrival._

**Gyokumen: **_Now Lirin, stop eating and listen to me. You have to be on your best behavior. Try and use some of that charm you inherited from me. Sweep that stupid prince off his feet. _*licks her thumb and wipes away some of the food on Lirin's cheek*

**Kougaiji**: _Wow, this is the first time I think I've ever seen you act like a real mother._

**Gyokume**: Shut up!

**Hakkai**: _Just outside, Sanzorella had finally arrived._

**Sanzo**: Shit, what am I supposed to do now.

**Jiroushin**: You could help yourself to the buffet.

**Sanzo**: tch. I'm not the monkey…

**Hakkai**: _But Sanzorella was awfully hungry…_

**Sanzo**: Shut up Hakkai…

**Hakkai**: *chuckles* _Just as Sanzorella entered the ball room, the Royal trumpeters played their horns, announcing the long awaited arrival of the prince—_

**Sanzo**: Where is Goku in all this…

**Hakkai: **Sanzo, stop interrupting me…

Ahem—_His Royal Highness, Prince Son Goku!_

**Sanzo**: Fuck, I should have seen this coming. Fucked up Fan service…

**Hakkai**: _As the prince looked over the audience before him with bewilderment, his ever assertive father came over to comfort him. _

**Gojyo**:Finally, my part… _So Goku, _son_. See anyone you like?_

**Goku**: Gojyo, what's going on?

**Gojyo**: *Elbows Goku in the side*

**Goku**: Ouch, what the Hell was that for!?

**Gojyo**: _Goku, I, as you _father_, threw this party for you to pick your bride. You can have anyone of these beauties, so just pick one._

**Goku**: Uh, what?

**Hakkai**: _As King Gojyo explained what was going on to his ignorant son, Sanzorella had found his way to the buffet table and was mingling as only our Sanzo can._

**Sanzo**: Don't touch me!

**Hakkai**: _See? But just as he was starting to at least be less annoyed with his circumstances, a certain really important character bumped into him._

**Sanzo**: _Hey watch where you're going._

**Goku**: Oh, sorry Sanzo.

**Sanzo**: Stupid Monkey, stick to the script. You're not supposed to know me.

**Goku**: Oh yeah, sorry. Um, _excuse me miss._

**Sanzo**: *beat Goku with the fan* _I'm not a _miss_ you idiot._

**Goku**: Ouch! _Sorry, I mean sir. _Why's everyone keep hitting me? *Goku looks up at Sanzo* Woah, Sanzo. You look really nice.

**Sanzo**: Shut up Monkey *Sanzo turns away*

**Hakkai**: _And yes, he is blushing—_

**Sanzo: **Hakkai!

**Hakkai**: Sorry. *smirk* Anyway, _Prince Goku, struck in awe by Sanzorella's beauty, asks Sanzorella to dance with him._

Pssst—Goku, that's your cue…

**Goku**: Oh, okay. Sanzo—I mean, _um, Sir would you—_

**Sanzo**: Hell no.

**Hakkai: **Sanzo, you have to. It's part of the story.

**Sanzo**: I'm not dancing with the monkey. With his clumsy feet, I won't be able to stand.

**Goku**: Sanzoooo? *tugs on Sanzo's arm*

**Sanzo**: What! *looks down at Goku*

**Goku**: *stares at Sanzo, kind of hurt that Sanzo won't dance with him even if it is only a play*

**Sanzo**: Shit. Fine, I'll dance…

**Hakkai**: Thank you Sanzo.

**Sanzo**: Shut up…

**Hakkai**: _Sanzorella and Prince Goku Danced for half a song before Sanzorella said he'd had enough and limped off the dance floor. Prince Goku led Sanzorella to a bench outside and ran off to get him an ice pack. When he came back he tried to help, but Sanzorella batted his hands away…_

**Sanzo**: Just give it to me. I'll do it myself.

**Goku**: I'm sorry Sanzo. I didn't think I would hurt you so bad.

**Sanzo**: *sigh* Stop apologizing you idiot. It's not your fault no one ever taught you to dance.

**Goku**: *Goku watches Sanzo for a while* Hey Sanzo, is it okay if I pick you?

**Sanzo**: What?

**Goku**: Gojyo said I had to pick one of the people in the room over there to be my bride. Can I choose you?

**Sanzo**: Goku, you didn't say that in italics.

**Goku: **I-whats?

**Sanzo: **I mean you didn't say that in character.

**Goku:** I wasn't acting.

**Sanzo**: *Sanzo's cheeks started to burn* Stupid Monkey. You're supposed to ask Sanzorella to marry you.

**Goku**: Who's Sanzorella?

**Sanzo**: A— *sigh* Forget it.

**Goku**: What?!

**Hakkai**: _Suddenly the clock overhead tolled midnight—_

**Sanzo**: Shit Hakkai! Were you listening to that?

**Hakkai**: *Snicker* Noooo…

Anyway! _And Sanzorella realized his time with the prince was up._

**Sanzo: ***grumble*_ Well that's curfew. I've got to go Goku. I'll see you later_.

**Goku**: Uh, okay…

**Hakkai**: _Saznorella got up and walked back to the Jeep, leaving his discarded sandal next to the ice pack he'd been using… _

_The next day Lay_ _Gyokumen was all in a tizzy about the night before. The prince had found his bride among his guests and they'd ran off with him during the duration of the evening and left him without giving their name and leaving only a glass sandal behind. Now the prince was determined to find his bride by matching their sandal with the foot of his beloved._

**Gyokumen**: _How could this have happened? Who was the bitch that stole the prince?_

**Kougaiji**: _Um, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but the one that the prince ran off with was actually a guy…_

**Gyokumen**: _What? I… I..I didn't know the prince swung that way. Hmm, maybe I would have had better luck if I had dressed you up instead._

**Kougaiji**: What!? Mother!

**Sanzo**: *snicker*

**Gyokumen**:_ Well what did this asshole look?_

**Kougaiji**: _Well I'm not sure. I didn't get a good look at them. They were dressed in white robes, they weren't very tall, and they had a slender almost feminine figure, a pretty face… Oh and I heard that from someone that's already seen the sandal that whoever they are has really small feet._

**Sanzo**: We get it already!

**Gyokumen**: _What does it matter to you, Sanzorella, it wasn't like you were actually there._

**Lirin**: _Hey mother! There's someone here from the royal palace._

**Gyokumen**: _Shit! They are here early. Sanzorella, go occupy yourself with something while they are here. I don't need to see your face right now._

**Sanzo**: _Like I want to stick around here any longer anyway._

**Gyokumen**: _Ohmigod, I wasn't expecting the prince to be fitting the shoe himself._

**Goku: **Hakkai's making me do it coz I blew my lines earlier…

**Gyokumen**: Uh… _I mean, I hear that a young man has stolen the prince's heart. Is that true, your highness?_

**Goku**: Uh, I guess.

**Hakkai**: Goku, talk in character…

_Lady Gyokumen presented her son, Kougaiji to the prince and even though the prince said that Kougaiji didn't look like the man who had stolen his heart, Lady Gyokumen insisted he try it on anyway. But alas, Kougaiji's foot was too big, which was a relief to both Kougaiji and Goku because the person who fit the petite—_

**Sanzo**: What.

**Hakkai**: _—I mean small sandal was to be the prince's bride as decreed by the king._

**Gojyo: **What kind of stupid king makes a decree like that?

**Gyokumen**: _Well, since there isn't anyone else around that's the appropriate gender that fits it, I guess you have to look somewhere else. _

**Goku**: But what about Sanzo?

**Hakkai**: *Face palm* Goku, I told you to stick to your lines.

**Goku:** But Hakkai, why would I leave if Sanzo's here.

**Hakkai: **Because—

**Sanzo**: Ah shit, Hakkai. Let's just get this stupid thing over with. _I'm here and I can try on the fuckin' sandal._

**Gyokumen**: _I thought I told you to stay in the back!_

**Sanzo**: _Stuff it bitch. I'm trying on the stupid thing._

**Goku:** Ha! Sanzo, I knew you were here.

**Sanzo**: yeah, yeah, Monkey. Now put the fuckin' thing on my foot so we can get this over with.

**Goku: **Okay.

**Hakkai**: Finally… _Prince Goku kneeled before Sanzorella and put the sandal on his foot… or, um, tried to…_

Goku, what's the problem?

**Goku**: I don't know. The thing won't go on.

**Sanzo**: Fuck you idiot, be careful! It's still swollen from last night!

**Goku**: But if I can't get it on, I can't marry you.

**Sanzo: **You stupid monkey! Will you stop say that embarrassing shit out of character!

**Gojyo**: Hey Hakkai?

**Hakkai**: Yes Gojyo?

**Gojyo**: Does _Sanzorella_ still have the other shoe from last night?

**Hakkai**: Ah, great idea Gojyo. Sanzo, get the other sandal out.

**Gojyo:** Unless the monkey stepped on both your feet.

**Sanzo**: Shut up you fuckin' Kappa. *reaches into sleeve* Here, here's the other sandal. Now put it on me so we can be done with this.

**Goku**: Okay!

**Hakkai: **Phew… _With the sandal fitting easily onto our heroi—hero's foot, it was revealed that Saznorella was indeed the girl… Ahem boy, I mean man that had stolen Prince Goku's heart. And with that, Prince Goku kissed his fiancé._

**Sanzo: **Hakkai, stop messing around.

**Hakkai: **Hahaha. _And they all lived happily ever after…_ probably…

**Astral Wrighter**: Hope you all enjoyed my first broadcast. And guess what, Sanzo Party? There will be many more to come. I want to hear any and all comments.

This is my Fan service stuff. If anyone has any story's in particular that they want to see the Saiyuki characters totally butcher—Grimm Brothers' stories, Greek/Roman Myths, Shakespearean stories, etc. I will write it if you mention it in a review. Also, I'll take ideas on casting and pairings. I've got nothing better to do at the moment and I can write these in a few hours…

Please review!


	2. The Little Kappa

**Disclaimer: **I will say here that Saiyuki belongs to MINEKURA Kazuya and I have no hope of ownership in the near future. And Because Disney is such a bitch about it, I'm making it clear that all my retellings are based of the original versions of the stories. Ha!

**Astral Wrighter**: Hello once again readers. I know that this story was posted as finished, but then is anything ever really over? Like, for example, Saiyuki! It could just keep going and going and going forever… I don't think I would really mind. Anyway, welcome to Saiyuki Theatre radio. This is where you're favorite Saiyuki characters will put on reenactments of your favorite fairytales. Now sit back and enjoy our rendition of _The Little Mermaid_…

**Sanzo:** Not this shit again…

**Hakkai: **Oh, come on Sanzo. This time _you _get to be the narrator. It can't be that bad, now can it?

**Goku: **Ooh! Ooh! Who do I getta be?

**Hakkai:** Ah… Sorry Goku, but it appears you don't get a part in this story.

**Goku:** Wha!?

**Sanzo**: You fucked it up last time.

**Gojyo:** Haahaha. Apparently those few lines ya got were too much for that puny monkey brain of yours to handle.

**Goku: **Shut up Ass Wipe!

**Hakkai:**Don't feel so bad Goku. Some of the readers found you _charming_ *snicker*. They also seemed to like my narrating. I'm flattered.

**Gojyo**: Who's gonna be who this time around, 'Kai?

**Hakkai:** I guess we'll just have to see. Sanzo, if you would be so kind?

**Sanzo:** Fuck, fine…

_Once upon a time, at the bottom of the sea, there lived a—_Oh God, *smirks*.

**Goku: **What?

**Sanzo:** Shut up Monkey.

_—there lived a *_snicker_* 'beautiful' merman with long lovely red locks. _

**Gojyo:** So I'm the… mermaid? Okay…

**Sanzo: **_The merman was well known for his voice_. His only redeeming quality if you ask me_. The merman also had an obsession with the surface world. His father, the king of the sea, refused to let the merman near it…_

**Gojyo: **Who's the Ki—Oh *smirk*. So they finally let you have a part?

**Dokugakuji:** Nice to see you too, little brother. Yeah, I guess they did. But I don't have that many lines. Oh, speaking of which—

_Humans are dangerous, son. I'm only thinking of what's best for you._

**Gojyo:** Hmm..Okay, let's see here…_don't go all parental unit on me. Don't all rents say that kind of shit anyway? What's so bad about watchin' 'em?_

**Dokugakuji:** *sigh* _You're too young to understand. I'm just trying to protect you._

**Gojyo:** _Tch, whatever._

**Sanzo: **_The merman was an idiot—_

**Gojyo: **Hey! What the Hell you stupid monk?

**Sanzo:** This is revenge for the last story.

**Gojyo: **But Hakkai narrated that one!

**Sanzo: **_Disobeying his father's orders, the merman one day—_

**Gojyo: **Don't ignore me!

**Sanzo:** —_broke the surface of the sea and looked around. And what did he see? A boat, that's what he Fuckin' saw. Aboard that boat—_

**Hakkai:** It's a _ship_, Sanzo…

**Sanzo:** Do I look like I care?

_Aboard that _ship_ there was an obnoxiously perky prince known throughout as Crowned Prince Cho Hakkai._

You would be playing the prince for the Kappa.

_The prince was returning home from a trip abroad across the western sea. The merman swam alongside the _ship_ and watched them. Even though he had never seen humans before, he found the prince very attractive. _

Perv.

**Gojyo: **Can you stop with all the side comments?

**Sanzo:** No, I don't think I can.

**Gojyo: **Buddha prick…

**Sanzo:** _A storm struck and the _ship_ was tossed about. Prince Hakkai refused to take shelter and instead insisted on helping the crew. The waves started to get higher. One rose over the rail of the deck and dragged the prince overboard. The merman saw the whole thing and swam to the prince's rescue. He held the prince's head above the water and towed his carcass to shore. _

*cough, cough* Shit my throat's getting dry.

**Goku:** Here Sanzo *hands glass of water*

**Sanzo:** *drinks* … Thanks Goku.

_The merman swam all night until he reached the sandy beach of the shore line. The prince was unconscious, but breathing. The merman sat back and studied the prince. He was *_rolls eyes_* _captivated_ by the prince's appearance. The prince started to stir and the merman leaned in closer._

**Gojyo: **Finally… _Ya still kickin'?_

**Sanzo:** _The prince blinked, but his eyes were swollen from the salt water and it stung too much to open them._

What the Hell. Hakkai, I don't remember this from the original story.

**Hakkai: **Yeah, I know what you mean…

***Phone in recording booth rings***

**Goku: ***picks up phone* Hello … Yeah … Okay, I'll tell 'em. Wrighter says that she's taking creative liberty and that we should just go with it.

**Sanzo: **Who the fuck is Wrighter?

**Goku:** *Shrugs* I donno.

**Sanzo:** Fuck, whatever.

**Hakkai:** Ahem?

_H-hello? Who's there? Where am I?_

**Gojyo:** _I'm just the guy that saved your drowning ass. You're on the shore. Uh hey, are you okay?_

**Hakkai:** *rubs at eyes* _I, I think so. I can't see. _

**Gojyo: **_What were to you doing in a storm like that? Did ya have a death wish?_

**Hakkai:** _No, I was just trying to help the crewmen. But I guess I was being a bit brash wasn't I? Thank you for rescuing me. I'm forever in your debt. _

**Gojyo: **_Don't think nothing of it. I couldn't leave someone as pretty as you to drown._

**Hakkai:** _Oh, uh… _

**Sanzo:**_Hakkai was blushing…_

**Hakkai: **Thanks Sanzo.

**Sanzo: **Just doing my job.

**Hakkai: ***Sigh*

_Thank you, uh, sir. Parton me, but, um..._

**Gojyo:** _What? Go ahead, shoot._

**Hakkai:** _How did you save me? _

**Gojyo**: *Laughs* _Oh, that. Um, that my friend, is a secret._

**Sanzo:** _The merman could hear the sound of people approaching from around the bend. He had to return to the ocean unless he wanted to get seen. _

**Gojyo:** _Ah, shit. I gotta go. It was nice seeing ya, Beautiful._

**Hakkai: **_Hey, wait. I never got your name!_

**Sanzo: **_The merman returned to the ocean before he could fuck this up anymore then he already had…_

**Goku:** Wow Hakkai! Ya sounded real good.

**Hakkai:** Well thank you Goku.

**Gojyo: **Hey what about me, ya Monkey?

**Goku: **Yeah, ya were okay, I guess. You sound'd like ya normally do when you're flirtin', though.

**Sanzo: **If you three aren't done fucking around, I'll improve the ventilation in those swollen heads of yours.

**Hakkai:** Heheh, I guess Sanzo's right. Let the show go on.

**Sanzo: **Finally.

_The prince was found shortly after by a search party on the beach. _How convenient.

_The merman continued to think about the world above, but the only thing going on in that useless head of his were some stupid thoughts of the prince he'd saved. He found himself unable to think of anything else. One day the merman went to the farthest reaches of his father's kingdom. He was looking for the only one he knew of that could help him: the evil sea witch._

**Ukoku: **I would prefer evil sea witch_doctor._

**Sanzo: **Whatever… What the fuck is with every correcting the script.

**Ukoku: **_I hear the prince of the sea is looking for some legs._

**Gojyo**: _Yeah, some human prince legs if you know what I mean._

**Ukoku: **Human _prince, hmm. Then I think you'll be needed a pair of human legs of your own._

**Sanzo:** You're both sick…

**Gojyo:***smirk* _Well, I've heard that you're the guy to see about that._

**Ukoku: **_Well, let's see what I have lying around… Hmm… _

**Sanzo:** _The witch_doctor _went through his shit until he found a potion under a pile of useless junk._

**Ukoku:** Hey, my stuff is not junk… Anyway, _Ah, here._

**Gojyo: ** _Gee, thanks. *reaches out to take it*_

**Ukoku: **_Ah-ah-ah. Are you sure you want to just take it and swim off without knowing of its—mmm—_unfortunate _side effect._

**Gojyo: **_Are you telling me this shit is poisonous? _

**Ukoku: **_Oh no. What purpose would I possibly have for poisoning you? But like anything, there's a catch._

**Gojyo: **_And that would be exactly?_

**Ukoku:** _This potion abides by the laws of old fairytale lore._

**Gojyo:** _What the Hell is that supposed to mean?_

**Ukoku:** _*sigh* It means, my good Aquarian prince, that the potion is going to silence that _lovely_ voice of yours until you can get lover-boy to kiss you._

**Gojyo:** _Shit, why's it got some stupid side effect like that?_

**Ukoku:** _To make the trial more difficult for you, I suppose. _

**Gojyo:** _Geat! Like I need it ta be any harder sweeping a human_ _prince that's _'MALE' _off his feet. If getting around the species barrier or the homosexuality wasn't bad enough, now I got to do it as a fucking mute. _

**Ukoku:** *is amused* _I think the title prince pretty much implies that he's supposed to be male._

**Gojyo:** Whatever…

**Sanzo:** '_tch, the merman took the potion, listening carefully to the sea witch_doctor_'s warning. _Yeah right, like the kappa can ever process instructions—

**Gojyo:** Hey!

**Sanzo:** _That evening he swam up to the surface and climbed onto the beach where he chugged the potion and waited for it to take effect. Eventually he fell asleep. The next morning he found himself staring down at long tan… _Fuck!

**Goku:** What? What is it Sanzo?

**Sanzo: ** Shit, they're not giving me enough to say this… _found himself staring down at long tan sexy gams—_

**Gojyo:** Heh, I'm starting to like this writer person more.

**Sanzo:** Shut up you moron. You're supposed to be mute now.

**Gojyo:** Wait, how's this whole radio theater thing supposed to work then?

**Sanzo:** The writers already prepared for this.

**Gojyo:** What!?

**Sanzo:** Goku, shut him up if he tries to talk again. You're allowed to use any method you see fit.

**Goku:** Awesome!

**Gojyo:** Hey!? *moves away from the monkey* What the Hell?!

**Sanzo:** *sigh* I just want to get this shit over with.

_The prince immediately tried to stand, as he had seen so many humans do before, but he could not consummate his balance. But that didn't stop the idiot from trying to stand over and over again. Since the merman could not focus on two things at once, he didn't notice that the prince was walking up the beach, taking a morning stroll. The prince came upon the young naked man—_

**Gojyo:** Wait! I'm naked?

**Sanzo:** Goku.

**Goku:** On it!

**Gojyo:** Wah— *smack* Ow! Shit! Why does the monkey have the fan?

**Goku:** Sanzo said I could do whatever I wanted. I've always wanted to try that.

**Sanzo:** Great, now both of you shut up! *makes irritated noise* _At first prince Hakkai was put off by the man's lack of decency, but found his peculiar behavior interesting and he was soon pondering the man circumstances._

**Hakkai: **_Excuse me, good sir?_

**Gojyo:** _*flinch, turns to look, falls over in process*_

**Hakkai: **_Oh, shit! Are you okay?_

**Sanzo:** _The prince came over to help the merman. Kneeling besides him, he paused only long enough to take off his cloak and wrap it around the young man's bare shoulders._

**Gojyo:** _*face is red, tries to say his thanks, but finds that he can't*_ Fuck this is going to be annoying. *smack* Ouch! Shit, I'm shutting up!

**Hakkai: **_Uh. *ahem* Sir, can you speak?_

**Gojyo:** _*face still somewhat flushed, shakes head*_

**Hakkai: **_Oh, that's not good. Perhaps you were washed up on to the shore… Are you hurt anywhere?_

**Gojyo:** _*Smirks are Hakkai's typical nurse-like behavior, but shakes head*_

**Hakkai: **_Well we should get you some clothes. Do you know where you are?_

**Gojyo:** _*Again, another head shake*_

**Hakkai: **_Maybe I should take you back with me. Would you like that?_

**Gojyo:** _*smiles, nods* _Baby, you can take me anywhere.

**Hakkai:** *snickers*

**Sanzo:** Goku.

**Gojyo:** *_Smack!* _Ouch, shit I get it! Not another word out of me.

**Sanzo:** Doubt it. _Prince Hakkai led the stranger up to his castle where he worked to appropriate some clothes for him. After the stranger was washed up and dressed, the prince invited the man to stay for dinner. The merman seemed to have a hard time standing, but also appeared to be far too stubborn to accept the help offered to him by most of servants. 'Tch, not long after meeting the stranger, Prince Hakkai had learned that the stranger preferred to lean on his shoulder more than any other. During dinner, the prince played a little game of 20 questions with the merman to learn more about his guest. After the meal, he asked if the prince wanted to stay at his castle for a while, it would seem heartless to send him out into the world with nothing. _

_For several day the two men bonded. The prince realized that the merman knew very little of his land's cultures…_ Am I seriously going to just tell the rest of this fucking story? Goku. Water!

**Goku:** Here ya go.

**Sanzo: **'tch, thanks. _Ahem_—this better be over with soon...

_The prince and the merman were riding horse through a forest on the prince's property. The merman had taken to riding slowly, but it seemed like he was finally getting used to it._

**Hakkai: **_Having fun? Seems like you're finally getting the hand of this._

**Gojyo:** _*lifts an eyebrow and smirks as if to say 'are you kidding me'.*_

**Hakkai: **_*laughs* don't give me that look… You know, I'm glad to have had your company recently. I'd had something very heavy weighing on my mind and you've helped by more or less being a appreciate distraction._

**Gojyo: **_*leans in with a curious expression as if to say 'what's on your mind'*_

**Hakkai:** _It's nothing much, I just feel like you've given me a reprieve—no matter how short—and now I think I can get married without any hesitation. Tomorrow my fiancé arrives._

**Gojyo:**Wait, what!? What fiancé?

**Sanzo: **Goku!

**Gojyo:** *Grabs fan from Monkey* No. No more smacking the kappa with the fucking fan. What the Hell is going on? I thought the Prince and this mermaid chick were an item?

**Hakkai:** Gojyo, have you never heard the little Mermaid story before.

**Gojyo:** Well, Heh heh… No, I was just winging it.

**Hakkai: **Goku you know the story right? Could you tell Gojyo?

**Goku: **Sure Hakkai. The mermaid drinks the seawitch's potion and becomes a human. She makes the prince fall for her even though she can't say nothing, but the prince is already be—betroved? Bestoved—

**Hakkai:** "betrothed", Goku?

**Goku: **Yeah, that word—to a princess from another country. The Prince and the princess get married and the mermaid ends up dying and turning into seaweed.

**Sanzo: **It's sea foam, Monkey.

**Gojyo: **Wait! So the Prince and the Mermaid don't hook up? What kind of fucked up kind of children's story is that?

**Hakkai: **That's the way the original story was written, Gojyo.

**Gojyo: **Screw that.

**Hakkai:** Gojyo?

**Gojyo: ** *_Tackles prince off his horse and into the shrubs. Pins him down before the prince can get his bearings_*

**Hakkai: ***_Gasps for air from the impact_* Gojyo, uh—_Sir, what are you doin—!?_

**Gojyo: ** *_Kisses the prince hard until they both are in desperate need of air. Inhales deeply as he sits up_* _Shut up! True loves first kiss break the spell. I love you and that was the first kiss. So there!_ *_face is red after realizing fully what he just said*_

**Hakkai: **Um, _I'm not sure that's how it's supposed to work, but um…_

**Gojyo:** _Well now it is. So what's all this about getting married? I thought you were startin' to fall for me, even a little._

**Hakkai:** Well, uh,_ That…that is true, I, uh, guess but…um… Aha! Wait, your voice is familiar._

**Gojyo: **_Huh?_

**Sanzo:** Hakkai, what are you doing?

**Hakkai: **I'm improvising *smirk*… _Yes, you! You are the one that rescued me before. _*whispers* go with is Gojyo…

**Gojyo: **_Uh, yeah. I—I was. Ever… since I met you, I…I couldn't get you out of my head. I did a lot to get here and I thought that you were starting to come around. Do you like me at all you _highness_?_

**Sanzo: **_His highness was blushing…_

**Hakkai: ***sigh* Thanks you _again_, Sanzo…

**Sanzo:** *Looks satisfied with himself*

**Hakkai: ***Ahem* _It's not that I don't like you—_

**Gojyo: **_Than what's with this talk of you getting hitched?_

**Hakkai: ** _*Sigh* It is not that I'm not exceptionally fond of—_

**Gojyo: ** _Love?_

**Hakkai: ** _Yes, love you, but that's not all there is to it. I have to marry the other princess. She's from a neighboring kingdom from across the sea that my kingdom has relations with. The day you rescued me, was during my journey home from consummating our plans to marry. It is for the sake of my kingdom. I _can't_ choose to be with you. *waits a moment for a reply* Do you understand?_

**Gojyo: ** _*at a loss for words* I.. I guess I do. I mean… shit. *climbs off of prince* I.. I didn't think of that…_

**Hakkai: **_*sits up* I can't tell you how sorry I am for toying with your feelings like I have when there wasn't a chance. *looks away regretfully*_

**Gojyo: ** _Nah man. Shit, I understand. I'm sorry that I just… I just threw this at you when you already have so much crap going on…_

**Goku:** Woow. This is really… intense… Sanzo?

**Sanzo: **Well now I don't know what's going on with the plot. Those two idiots fucked it up.

**Hakkai: **Just keep going Sanzo… We still have to end it.

**Sanzo:** *sigh* whatever.

_The wedding plans continued as scheduled. The Merman, because of the potion was unable to return to the sea. With nowhere to go, the prince offered the Merman to stay at his castle, even though he knew that it was probably torturing him to stay there. On the day of the wedding, the Merman found himself of the wedding vessel, not sure why he bothered to come. _

**Gojyo: **_*leaning over ship rail* Guess this is what dad meant when he said 'Humans are dangerous'. Damn, heartache is the pits. _

**Kougaiji: ** _You're telling me *hic*_

**Gojyo: ** . . . Kougaiji!? What are you doing here?

**Kougaiji: ** _Wh-what do you mean? This is Yaone's wedding._

**Gojyo: ** Oh, Yaone's playing the princess. *shrugs* Guess that makes since… Wait, Kougaiji, are you drunk?

**Kougaiji: ** _*Sways* No…_

**Gojyo: ** Dude, they haven't even held the ceremony yet and you're already taking part in the cocktail hour, eh?

**Kougaiji: ** _Your friend doesn't deserve Yaone…! *Slurs*_

**Gojyo: ** Uh, Kougaiji, you know this is just a play, right? Yaone and Hakkai aren't really tying the note. Maybe we should get you some food in your stomach and try to sober you up. *puts hand on shoulder*

**Kougaiji: ** _*flails indiscriminately* Don't touch me!_

**Gojyo: ** Hold it, man—Wait! *is knocked overboard*

**Kougaiji: ** _*Looks around bewilder* Where did you go?_

**Yaone:** *_The princess comes over, the prince behind her* _My Lord—er, I mean_, uh, Kougaiji? Where is Gojyo-san?_

**Kougaiji: ** _*Sways again* Who?_

**Yaone:** My Lord, are you really drunk?

**Kougaiji: ** _Yaone, where's your wedding dress?_

**Yaone:** Um, _uh—That's why we are trying to locate Gojyo-san. Do you know where he is?_

_*Hears splashing in the water below. All three look over the rail. Drowning-Kappa 3o'clock!*_

**Hakkai: **Shit! Gojyo can't swim! *takes off coat and jump in the water*

**Goku: **Wait! I thought Gojyo was supposed to be a mermaid.

**Sanzo:** He has all the natural swimming skill of a rock when he's human.

**Goku: **Oh.

**Sanzo:** This story isn't even making sense anymore…

_The prince managed to keep the merman from drowning—_Most backwards line in this whole play—_until the two of them were fished out of the sea. The prince took him to his quarters aboard the _ship_ to tend to him._

**Gojyo: ** *Coughs getting water out of airway* Hakkai, aren't you supposed to be getting hitched right about now? Me turning into sea foam or something?

**Hakkai: **Well,_ the princess and I were having a little talk earlier…_

**Gojyo: ** *smirk* Isn't the groom not allowed to see the bride before the wedding?

**Hakkai: ***chuckle* Yes, that is the way that normally goes, isn't it? But _the princess and I were talking about our kingdoms relations and how marriage traditions aren't really that common anymore in southern kingdoms and all..—_

**Gojyo: ** *sigh* get on with it Hakkai.

**Hakkai: **_It seems that we were both thinking that it was about time that the Little Mermaid story had a happier ending._

**Gojyo: ** *takes moment for kappa to process* Wait, you mean…

**Hakkai: **_*nods* That's right. Prince Hakkai wants to stay with his rather unorthodox little merman… Or maybe I should just call you a "little kappa" instead._

**Gojyo: ** *smirk* Is this our new ending?

**Hakkai: **You did turn the play of its head all on your own.

**Sanzo:** *vein throbbing* _With the prince's confession, they kissed and made up. The end! _

**Hakkai: **Now Sanzo, that was a bit rushed.

**Sanzo:** This play was taking too damn long to end.

**Goku: **What are we doing next time?

**Sanzo:** There isn't going to be a next time!

**Astral Wrighter**: *whispers* Yes there is… Look forwards to next time's retelling of Thumbelina! _Guess who gets to play the princess next time!_

Leave comments if you liked it… It's much longer then my last one, but there was a little more story to it too…


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